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What NOT to Say to Someone in Pain

Several years ago at a physical therapy appointment I was getting some kinks worked out of my back. As the therapist torqued my left leg into a pretzel, she told me about a friend who recently got news about a life-threatening medical condition. As my therapist shared, she felt unsure about what to say to her friend facing such sadness. Even though I’ve been in ministry over 35 years, the right thing to say to a person in pain still eludes me. What should we say to someone like her friend? Or better yet, what should we not say?

Since our youngest was diagnosed with a brain tumor 28 years ago (and is now doing well), what people have said to us through the years has run the gamut from perfect to really bad. Most people really want to encourage when we hurt, but often they say exactly what you don’t need to hear.

Here are a few statements to NEVER say to someone in pain, no matter what kind of pain.

  • Everything will be all right. God’s in control. (Yes, God is in control, but everything may not turn out all right.)
  • Just have more faith and you will be fine. (Platitude)
  • God told me that you’d be healed/your problem will go away. (Why did He tell you and not me?)
  • Could there possibly be some sin in your life? (Sounds like one of Job’s friends.)
  • My (aunt, uncle, grandmother, etc.) faced the same thing and they were healed. (I’m not your aunt, uncle, grandmother, etc.)
  • Well, I’m facing such and such … and then this person prattles on and on about himself or herself, seemingly oblivious to our pain. (You really didn’t hear me, did you?)
  • Just let us know what we can do. (Often this really means nothing or else they would have gotten specific on the spot.)

Words carry great power. The book of Proverbs tells us they have the power of life or death and that a well-placed word is very valuable. This verse is a great one.

The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. (Prov. 25:11)

I’d love to hear words that you’ve heard or said that were like gold in times of pain.

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Charles Stone
Charles Stonehttp://charlesstone.com/
Both Charles and his wife Sherryl  have a heart for pastors and pastors’ wives. They have taught hundreds of pastors and their wives in the United States, Canada, Nicaragua, Colombia, and Mexico. Charles earned an engineering degree from Georgia Tech, a Master of Divinity from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and a Doctorate of Ministry from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He just began another master’s degree in Neuroleadership. He’s also an avid Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fan. He has been professionally trained in these areas by these organizations: Life Coaching through the Professional Christian Coaching Institute Strategic Planning through Ministry Advantage (certified) Vision Clarity through the Church Unique Process (certified) Conflict Management through Peacemakers Charles is the author of three books – Daughters Gone Wild – Dads Gone Crazy (Thomas Nelson, 2007), 5 Ministry Killers and How to Defeat Them (Bethany House, 2010), and People Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding Pitfalls of Approval Motivated Leadership (Inter-Varsity Press, January 2014). He loves to fish, ride his recumbent bike, and go to the movies with Sherryl, his wife of 33 years (he always gets the jumbo bag of popcorn with a free refill). They have three grown children: Heather, age 30, who is married to Charlie; Joshua, age 29, who is married to Deborah; and Tiffany, age 26, who lives at home. One canine also makes his home with them in Spring Grove, Illinois.

2 COMMENTS

  1. How about… “Wow, I’m crushed to hear this. You must be terrified and heartbroken. Can we pray together right now?”

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