Many don’t know what it’s like to live in a place with the smell of urine in the hallways, while your mother is in the house smoking crack and heroin, only focused on her next high.
Many don’t know what it’s like sitting home, only having a jar of mayonnaise to eat, while your mother is too high “entertaining” company, rather than get some groceries.
Many don’t know what it’s like to be home alone with your siblings, only to get a knock on the door ‒ to your surprise it’s foster care, who takes you ‒ but you don’t know where your mother is.
Many don’t know what it’s like to be in the system separated from your siblings for years, wondering if you will ever see them again.
Many don’t know what it’s like at age eight to look at a body lying in the casket, having to ask, “Why are we here? And who is she?” … because you don’t remember your mother.
Too many of us do know what it’s like, to have a father check out before you reached the age of two, because the relationship between him and mom didn’t work out.
Too many of us know what it’s like to go into the court room, and when your father is asked to take custody of you, he rejects you and says “No, I’m not ready.”
Reflection can be tough. Even though I had a great year, there are challenges I face daily. I have to make daily decisions to overcome my fears of abandonment and broken trust. Yet someone says, “Just trust God, He’ll take care of you.” You want to respond by yelling, ” … like He took care of me in the past!” Old wounds and memories resurface, and when they do, it feels fresh.
This often happens when we see a similar situation that reminds us of the past. We vowed to never allow ourselves to get hurt like this again. Then that’s when we get challenged.
We ask ourselves questions:
- Is this the path God wants me on?
- Is this self-afflicting?
- Can I avoid this?
- Who will this have an impact on?
- Is the impact worth the risk?
- What are the challenges that this will bring to my family since I’m responsible for them?
- How will this affect my friends? I know we like to say, “This don’t count,” but it really does – especially when you have abandonment issues with family.
These are the questions I go to God with. And most of my questions don’t get answered, but I walk by faith. Sometimes walking by faith is scary. I know we won’t admit that. Especially men, we have to keep up this macho appearance. The reality is, sometimes walking by faith is scary. The scary part is not failing but being hurt. But we walk.
I said all that to say continue to walk. Even as I was typing, I felt God building my faith to walk. God created us as beings of motion; we must continue to move. Yes, it will get scary, challenges of the past will come, yet keep walking. God never said this would be a cakewalk ‒ He did say it’s a Faith Walk.
